


Four Clueless Wizards in a Walmart

by Entwinedlove



Series: The Great October Challenge 2017 [67]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Americanisms, Crack, Gen, Hermione/harem (background)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-03 08:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16322552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Entwinedlove/pseuds/Entwinedlove
Summary: Hermione's husbands look for a gift for their mother-in-law.





	Four Clueless Wizards in a Walmart

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Death Eater Express's 31 Halloween Prompts  
> day 23 prompt: Antonin Dolohov / Thorfinn Rowle / Rabastan Lestrange / Lucius Malfoy / "May the best man win." / "Happy Halloween hunting, gentlemen."
> 
> [ ](https://i.imgur.com/kXCbiLM.jpg)

"All right," Rabastan said, straightening the colourful t-shirt that one of the Weasley boys had lent him. He felt ridiculous wearing the Muggle clothes but he knew he would fit in better than Antonin, who hadn't gone to anyone for fashion help and was sporting heavy boots and a long skirt. Even Rabastan knew that Muggle men didn't wear skirts.

"So, what's the plan of action?" Thorfinn asked, looking around the back alley of the building where they had arrived by Portkey. He bumped Rabastan on the arm and pointed to a reedy looking person with long hair looking at them with their head tilted sideways. "Do you think that one saw us arrive?"

"Maybe. We'll have to be more careful."

"The plan of action," Lucius said, sniffing disdainfully at the other three, "is to get in and split up. We need to find the perfect birthday gift for the Granger woman."

"You still haven't learned her name, have you?" Antonin asked, shaking his head and huffing a little chuckle.

"Fran or Jan or something," Lucius said, wafting his hand at Antonin like it was unimportant.

Thorfinn said, "Jean."

"Jeanalise," Rabastan added.

"Whatever. Hermione's mother. Hermione said her mother was a fan of the eclectic so I'm sure we'll find something here. This is the source of everything eclectic in the Muggle world."

Rabastan frowned and quirked his brows at Lucius's assessment and glanced at Thorfinn who was also looking sceptical.

"Splitting up. Right." Antonin agreed. The four of them walked around the side of the enormous building and came round to the front. The doors slid open at their approach and Rabastan at first wondered where the house-elf was before remembering that house-elves were invisible to Muggles.

The walked through the entrance and Thorfinn eyed the trolleys before walking over to pull one from the line. He grabbed one and tugged and the entire line of them moved forward. He raised his hands at the screeching sound of all their wheels dragging across the floor. He turned around and walked right back to them. "Probably don't need one after all," he explained.

They walked together into the main area and Rabastan squinted at the harsh lighting. "It's very bright for two in the morning."

"I didn't think we would want to be seen by the general populous," Lucius answered.

"Sure it wasn't because you forgot?" He turned a cold glare at Rabastan.

As they all looked around, Thorfinn pointed toward the shelves of food. "Probably nothing eclectic over there, right? I'll start down this line here then."

"Rab, you head in that direction. Antonin and I will survey the centre section. Happy Halloween hunting, gentlemen."

Rabastan grumbled, "May the best man win," under his breath as nodded and turned to the left. He walked pasted about two dozen kiosks marked with large numbers. Without the presences of the other men's chatter he could hear the humming of machines, the constant low thrum in his ears unnerved him but he balled his hands into fists to steady himself. He saw a few employees, dressed in navy or bright yellow. The kiosks gave way to a second entrance and then shelves of merchandise began. He decided to be systematic about things and started at the first one.

All of the tiny boxes had to do with handling symptoms of illnesses and head colds. There were things for pain that promised to alleviate symptoms and provide relief. Where these Muggle potions? He would have compared it to the pre-brewed potions at the apothecary, but there were five or six aisles of them rather than just a few shelves. He saw no individual ingredients until he found a wall of yellow bottles that had some ingredients he was familiar with; milk thistle, St John's wort, valerian root. None of them seemed like the ingredients to make the potions on the shelves, however. He figured that none of these would be the proper gift and moved on.

Next, he came across shampoo potions and teeth cleaning potions. He paused in front of the potions meant to combat body odour and picked up one of the items. The smell that wafted towards his face with the movement was overpoweringly strong. They weren't offensive but they weren't pleasant. This wasn't perfume, was it? Toiletries and the like were more often a woman's gift to another woman. He set the odd bottle down and went to the next aisle. Soft, squishy-looking packages that advertised their protective properties and their discretion. Surely, if they were trying to be discreet they wouldn't put whatever these were in such vibrantly-coloured packages or have an entire aisle where just anyone could see the purchase. He didn't think this was what Hermione had in mind when she'd said eclectic. 

In the back corner of that aisle, he came across small clear vials and boxes. By the innuendo on the labels, he could infer that these were supposed to aid in intercourse. He had no intentions of giving a gift of that nature to his wife's mother. He turned and it was then that he noticed he was being followed. The person, a middle-aged man, was standing at the end of the aisle and Rabastan had caught him peeking around the display at him. Did this Muggle think he was a thief? What a ridiculous thought. Why would he need a potion for lubrication when a spell worked just as well? He moved on to the next aisle, very aware of the man tailing him.

He skipped past all the pet food but stopped to linger at the wall of illuminated aquariums. The few fish they contained looked sickly and swam slowly. Did Muggle keep fish as pets? What was the point of that? He shook his head and noticed the doors that lead to another section. They looked like the doors that had automatically opened at the entrance but these didn't move. He stepped in front of them and furrowed his brow. Did he have to open these himself? He reached forward and pushed. They didn't move. He didn't see a handle of any sort with which to pull them open. How did one access the other section?

"Umm, excuse me, sir?" A short, heavyset woman in navy said from behind him. He turned and assessed her.

"Yes?" he asked.

Her eyes seemed to widen when she saw his face and then she flushed a sickly puce and didn't look up again. Instead, she spoke to his chest. "The Garden Center is closed. It reopens at six."

"Right. Thank you," he said, trying not to sneer. He turned and looked once more through the glass doors hoping that the elusive birthday gift for Jeanalise wasn't in there before he turned and walked past the tubby little woman. He decided to head back the way he came to see if Lucius or the others had found anything.

As he passed the pain relief potions again he slowed in his stride when he spotted another customer. It was a young man with dirty hair and a foul smell about him and he was scratching at the inside of his elbow as he browsed the shelves. The man shifted this way and that and glanced around him, startling sharply when he saw Rabastan looking at him curiously. He scratched his head and went back to browsing the shelf.

Halfway past the numbered kiosks, he found Lucius looking supercilious as he stood in front of a glass cabinet that housed jewellery. He was being addressed by a plain looking woman in blue.

"The jewellery counter is closed, sir, but..."

"Yes, yes, closed, whatever. I'd like to see the most expensive pieces you have," Lucius said, speaking over the woman.

"Umm, okay, let me go get my supervisor, she might be able to—"

Lucius waved her off and turned to look at Rabastan, his gaze darting to Rab's empty hands. "Nothing?"

"It was mostly toiletries. Not suitable gift items."

Lucius's lips pursed in annoyance. "Did you see Antonin on your way back?"

Rab shook his head and turned to the returning woman in blue. There was another woman with her wearing that eye-blinding yellow.

"Can I help you?" the new woman said, her gaze slipping over both Rabastan and Lucius, seemingly documenting them in her mind.

"Yes, I'd like to see the most expensive pieces you have," Lucius said, pointing toward the jewellery case. "I'm looking to make a purchase and I have the g—" he cleared his throat quickly to cover his almost-slip, "cash. I have the cash."

The woman in charge raised both her eyebrows and nodded. She moved around the counter, jangling the keys around her wrist as she sought the right one. She was frowning to herself as she looked through the cases and unlocked the one she wanted. As she was busy pulling things out to look at, Antonin joined them, carrying a pillow and a flat metal board of some sort.

"What is it you've found, Antonin?"

He held out the pillow first. It was orange and blue in an odd floral pattern. It was hideous.

"It's ghastly," Lucius said with a nod. "It might just do. What was the other thing?"

Antonin turned it around and showed off the odd flower-cityscape abstract art. "I don't know what it's supposed to be, but the colours go with the pillow."

Rabastan nodded. He thought both were beyond ugly. Lucius's lip curled as he looked at the artwork. "I don't know about that. It might be too meh." He turned and looked over the paltry selection of jewellery the clerk had pulled out. His brow furrowed and his frown deepened. "Are these engagement rings?"

"That's what you wanted to see, wasn't it?"

"Of course not! I was expecting heirloom pieces; pendants or bracelets covered in jewels."

"Well, you asked for the most expensive, this is it."

He sneered. "This won't do at all. Put it away." He turned away, ignoring the employee again. She made a face at him behind his back. He focused on Rabastan. "I don't suppose you know where Thorfinn wandered off to, do you?"

"So the artwork thing is a no?" Antonin asked. Lucius waved his hand at it as if to ask why it was still in his sight and Antonin leaned it against the counter. The clerk wrinkled her nose as she watched him discard it. Rabastan heard her sigh.

There was a loud shout from the front of the store and they all turned at the noise. "Hey!" It was Thorfinn's voice. "No, wait, what are you doing? No, I'm not stealing it, I'm not. Lucius'll pay for it. Hey Lucius," Thorfinn shouted, drawing the attention of even more of the sparsely populated store, "Come tell this guy you're paying for it. I'm not stealing!"

The three remaining Death Eaters turned to share a look and Lucius rolled his eyes. "What's he got himself into this time?" He mumbled. He strutted towards the disturbance and Rabastan tried not to snicker. If Lucius had been wearing robes they would have flounced behind him; the odd combination of woollen trousers, wellies, and a faded t-shirt proclaiming his love of Black Sabbath didn't have quite the same impact as well-tailored robes and a cloak.

Rabastan and Antonin followed Lucius to the commotion at the front of the store. A stout man in a black uniform had Thorfinn bound with his hands behind his back, obviously arresting him. Thorfinn had orange powder around his lips and in his beard. A glance at the trolley nearby showed a torn open case of fizzy drink like Hermione tended to stock for Thorfinn, an open can of the drink, and an open bag of the foul cheese-like puff things that he indulged in.

"See?" Thorfinn said to the man holding him hostage, "Just ask Lucius, there, I wasn't stealing. He's paying for it. We're co-husbands so it's all on one tab."

The man that had tailed Rabastan was nearby and the yellow-clad manager looked at him and said quietly. "Co-husband? Is that legal? Can they arrest him for that?" The man was too busy glaring at Rabastan with suspicion to answer her.

Lucius just waved his hand at Thorfinn and the Muggle Auror. "He's like this sometimes, I do apologise. We don't take him out often and when we do it's to a local shop that has an open line of credit. If you'll direct me to the till I'll pay for whatever it was that he was walking off with," he turned to look at Antonin and he pointed to the orange and blue pillow again. "And that pillow, and do you have anything else in that pattern? Oh," his gaze sought out the manager who had shown them the jewellery, "and that art thing he put down, you'll be a good girl and go get it, won't you dear?"

From the look on all the employee's faces, Rabastan wondered if they could be arrested or kicked out of the store for being obnoxious pricks.


End file.
